The Tale Nobody Tells (But Me)
In the annals of fairy tale lore reside many a cherished classic, handed down from parents to their children, over the course of many generations. While such classics endure and thrive due to their timeless and endearing characters and themes, far more tales fell quite short and disappeared over time. This is one such tale.
Everyone of my generation remembers Rumpelstiltskin. The bearded gnome who spun Rapunzel's long golden hair into pure gold. Most never heard of the story of his twin brother.
One of the more plausible theories postulated, as to why his brother's existence and story never spread and lasted, was that he was far more of a cantankerous curmudgeon than his well known sibling and, to put it simply. he pissed people off! Why was he the way he was? While no one knew for sure, rumour abounded having to do with records of him having had a badly botched circumcision at his birth. (His parents, Sadie & Irving Goldberg, sued the Rabbi for two million dollars, but later settled for a piece of a time share in Boca Raton).
As a twin, there were many parallels running between the two of them. 'Rumpy' had a love interest with a long flowing, golden haired maiden name Rapunzel. He had a funny way of displaying his affection though. He kept her locked in a tower (the view was nice and it had central air and cable, but the wi-fi sucked) and he would visit periodically (bad hair days). He had an amazing gift of being able to skilfully weave her hair into gold.
His brother had a girlfriend as well (not a looker). Her name was Rapini. While she did not possess the same flaxen tresses as her counterpart, she did sport a fair amount of facial, armpit, and leg hair! Though not as impressive as his brother's talent, the twin's lesser gift involved spinning Rapini's body hair into aluminum. Not as lucrative, but, nonetheless, a skill that allowed him to earn a meagre living. It's a little known fact that he created the first toboggan, and, through inept management, was screwed out of all rights and profits by a company called Alcan. It serves as a reminder that, no matter what you attempt to do in life, there is always a possibility of being 'foiled'.
Ironically, it was that very same toboggan that later played a critical role in his tragic demise. When the first winter snow fell, he excitedly set out to test his invention. He found a snow covered hill (easy to do when you are so 'inclined' to), laid the toboggan down and sat in it. Taking the rope in his hands, he nudged forward and began to slide. He was delighted with how exhilarated he felt by the movement, and the success of his new toy. Then he began to realize that this hill he was on led to the edge of a cliff! The joy in his eyes immediately turned to terror as he careened at now breakneck speed toward the perilous, precipitous drop. Before he could even think or react, over the edge he went!
But wait! What luck! He crash landed directly into a small band of reindeer below. They had gathered there to go on a drinking binge for 3 days! They managed to break his fall, for which he was most relieved, This would be the time where most good fairy tales end, but I kind of alluded earlier that this isn't a good fairy tale. That relief he felt was short-lived. The drunken reindeer 'mob' turned ugly. That can happen when a plump, long-bearded gnome on a toboggan barrels into you and destroys your alcohol stash (no one likes a party pooper). Needless to say, the stomping and goring that ensued was not for the faint of heart!
It's should be fairly obvious, by now, why this story could never be considered a 'classic', And that's the reason why, to this day, most people will have never heard of it, nor the our tragic subject, who dwells in obscurity. Alas, in fairy tale lore, no one remembers, 'Krumpeldforeskin'.
